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Today's
Laugh
A white guy is walking along
a beach when he comes across a lamp
Prior
Jokes
The following
are all replies that British women have put on
6. I cannot tell you the name of child
A's dad as he informs
me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise. 7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket. 8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? 9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro Disney; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom. 10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized. 11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?" Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity. Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!" The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead." Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few strokes of chalk. Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!" Then
Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his
head and says, "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their
identity. How can you prove George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?" Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George." ------------------------------------------------------------------
While attending a seminar
on communications, Wally and his wife Carolyn listened to the
instructor declare " It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men "Can
you tell me your wife's favourite flower?"
Wally leaned over and
gently touched Carolyn on the arm and whispered,
"Pilsbury All-Purpose,
isn't it?"
Thus began Wally's life
of celibacy.
------------------------------------------------------------------
Every morning during our
coffee break, my co-workers and I ------------------------------------------------------------------
Due to inherit a fortune when
his sickly, widower father died, ------------------------------------------------------------------
After
having their 11th child, a St. Austell couple decided that
was enough, as they could not afford a larger family. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The man said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. ------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde is on board a
small two- seater plane when suddenly ------------------------------------------------------------------ A blonde woman was
speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over
by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde. The cop asked to see
the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was
getting progressively more agitated. "What does it look like?" she
finally asked. ------------------------------------------------------------------
An American woman married a Russian
gentleman and they lived happily in Moscow. However, the poor lady was
not very proficient in Russian, but did manage to communicate with her
husband.
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